From The Corner Of My Room
COMMUNITY
Hurt people, Hurt people. Be a Hero. Stop the circle, it starts from you, and you are the hero of this universe.
I dont normally write, I really dont. At the time I am writing this, I am doing both things, I am pouring my heart out and I am praying at the same time to reach out for everyone out there who is in emotional pain right now, spiritually and emotionally I really understand you and I bless you for all that you have been through. Believe me, things will pass... and you are stronger, much stronger than you think.
In the corner of my room, I was mentally picking up the pieces of my soul, pieces of myself and hold them dearly in my hand. These past five days have been especially hard for me, knowing I am not much of an achievement or anything that my mother can be proud of. Tears were rolling down on my cheeks, I wish these tears have a Pause or Stop Button so I could save my eyes from being puffy, I still want to look into the mirror and see myself look okay. Listening to her disappointment on my life from many aspects were heart wrenching, it was more than just any pain on my ears. No, my ears are fine. But my heart is totally not.
I would not go through all the things in precise of what was being said, instead it was the disappointment that was being expressed day and night. It was from the job, the career, the debt, the choices I made, the work travel, the late nights, the divorce I decided to go through, the past relationship, the religion, and the current relationship. Dont get me wrong, I do realize consciously I aint a Saint, aint no perfect woman. But I do know i have values and I am complete. Though I know, disappointment from my mother was awakening the demons in my head and they’re happily having a party in my head. If you know what I mean and you are going through that, get up and talk back.
What I realize after all of the scolding and disappointment from my mother, they dont make me hate her. They made me doubting me, hating myself for not making her proud, hating myself for not making her happy. So, parents all around the world, and that is including me (yes, I am a proud mother of two now), when you scold and disappointed with your child, you dont make them hate you, they still love you and you still love them, but they doubt themselves and they hate themselves which brings up insecurity. Please show love physically, emotionally, and by words after that happen, and apologise for the unnecessary negative emotion.
The other thing that I realize, when you got hurt by someone, it might be your parents, your friends whom betrayed you, your lover that you loved so dearly, remember this - Hurt people, Hurt people. They feel too lonely for them to be in their hurting club on their own, they just want companion, because deep down inside they dont feel worthy enough to be in your Happy club, so they hurt you to drag you to their Hurt club. They often blame you for making them sad, they make you responsible for their happiness and they sell it to you so nicely that it sounded like they handed over you that powerful position to control their heart, but in fact, no you dont have that control button. If you like to be a part of that VIP Hurt Club, go ahead and have a look around, cry for a few days or sob for a few weeks, you might even produce beautiful sad songs or books while you are in the Hurt club. But, dont stay too long, you might find it too comfortable that you might wont get out at all. On the other side, if you dont feel like you belong to the Hurt club, find the exit door, run, or even find call for help from your Happy club friends. Because you might not that easily to find the exit door or to open that door, often times, the exit door is guarded heavily, and you might even be “drugged” with “hurt potion” and with many other ways to make you stay.
The last thing, be courageous to break the bullshit rules. These past 5 days were enough for me to take a look deep down within, how much we are being controlled by bullshit rules. Rules are good, they are there to keep you in order, discipline and kind. But not all rules that were told and passed down generations are for kindness, theyre there to chained us. We are free to love anyone, in whatever condition, whatever situation, in whatever belief. We are free to make our choices, and every choices have the consequences, whether good or bad. But nothing is 100% good or 100% bad. So you will never be in 100% darkness, there is always a dot of light for us, just keep your eyes open and walk towards that light. And that is enough.
Sincerely for myself, for everyone who is in emotional pain. I am enough and you are enough.